The Only One There Is The One Who Doesn't Live There

Four forever,
Two together,
We'll play dead,
We'll play dead,
We'll play deadly
- Architecture in Helsinki, "Wishbone"

I get lost everywhere I go. Thursday evening I turned a corner and saw Blue and Purple's old house. I didn't want to see other peoples' cars in the driveway. I wandered up into the field. S-B M yelled something about Caroline and walked in his back door. I lay and stared at the sky. A man drove up. "Dad!" yelled a little girl on the playground. A few drops of rain fell. Airplanes quicksanded into the clouds. "London?" I inquired of each one. A tiny blonde chit was loosed from her mother's van and ran her little wobble for the woodchips. I marveled.

Surely my younger self was hanging around here somewhere. Being taught to play the games I had never had friends for. Ice skating in sneakers on the frozen grass. Piloting scooters up the bumpy sidewalk. Watching Purple unicycle up that same sidewalk. Running away from older kids who were setting up fireworks, or smoking, or something. Trick-or-treating, year after year. Gazing out the window at the yellow streetlight that lit the big dark. Those huge stalks the Ex-Guy hid in didn't look so big anymore. Was that my idea?

I really did expect to see the ghosts of us four girls there. We didn't show up. I guess we're still alive. I raced a runner and beat him. He didn't notice.