Thursday, June 01, 2006

Le Savoir-Vivre

Yesterday I was singing off-key in the mirror and learned I haven't lived.

To live, one must want to die. There's a poem creeping around in there that I'm not lyrical enough to see yet. I was trying to come terms with that. I wanted to want to die. But I don't want to die, I said. I can't die! I haven't lived!

"Damn straight," said my soul, very quietly. She said it spontaneously just like that too, and left me more frustrated than ever.

And to those of you who mourn your lives
Through one day to the next,
Well, let them take you next!
Can't you live and be thankful you're here?
See, it could be you, tomorrow or next year.

- Guillemots, "Trains to Brazil"

So today I woke up in chemistry and learned to understand life.

The topic in chalk may have or may not have been free energy. The thoughts in my head pertained to life not being all it's chalked up to be. Is it, "Don't lie"? asked my fuzzy sleeping brain. Is that how to live?

"Can't be," remarked my soul matter-of-factly. By the time she came through the reception was a bit fuzzed, as if I were asking myself. "No, it can't," she assured me. "Everyone has to do an awful lot of lying."

How do you decide who deserves how much of the truth? I asked, and lapsed into sleep over empty blue lines.

It might have been half a second or half a dozen minutes before my soul had something more to say. That type of thing transcends time. "Remember 'respect for worthy life'?", she asked gently. "You wrote that yourself, Anna. Respect for worthy life. Respect for worthy life."

I think I do remember that, I thought. I think I was crying. I remember it was sort of blurry. I think I may have been really happy. But -," broke the thought, starting to foam, " - but that's hardly enough have a go on! Worthyness! What about changing minds? What if it twitches, what if it comes in tumults and turmoils? What if it chains me and walks me seaside by sheer force of will?

"Oh, Anna, don't worry," quoth my soul, a little tiny bit fed up, and retired. I sat, a little tiny bit uncomfortable, most of the way wide awake.

My soul came back for a moment. "Oh, Anna," she said. "Anna, oh, isn't that just it? Oh, Anna. Don't worry."


Blogger The Great Blue Donkey said...

Oh, Anna, I love your logic. Fine and dandy wonderful thing that I get to se you on Friday!!! yup yup yup, me will be there (hopefully) and me got you something silly! ^_^ yay!

June 03, 2006 9:23 AM  
Anonymous Alison said...

Ah, I always read your blog but for some reason forget to comment.

I love how your posts are so insightful and artisticly written and logical all at the same time.

We should hang out monday! Yes? I'd call Annie, too. Since three is the perfect number.

June 07, 2006 8:58 PM  
Anonymous Alison said...

I just cast list?!

June 07, 2006 8:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"To live you have to want to die."

I agree with you completely. But probably not in the way you intended it.

I love you, Anna. And I wish I could give you a big hug and talk to you.

I'm praying.

This is Meli, by the way.

June 09, 2006 7:03 PM  
Anonymous Alexander said...

call sometime doll, sorry i'm a douche, but douche is a fun word to say, and things suck, so let's talk, and maybe if you can pry yourself from your room we can hang out



June 14, 2006 1:20 PM  

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