Sunday, June 25, 2006

But Yours Is Like The Moon; Every Month It Changes

Cleaning my room frightens me. I'm afraid I'll find all the horror that's just a few inches down from the surface. Love notes, candy wrappers, unsent letters, life plans on lined paper. There are logs of chats with the Ex-Guyfriend buried in my hard drive, encrypted behind an old password. There are forgotten telephone numbers taped to my walls and in my purse. Perhaps all together, these little privacies would make one big, dark secret.

At least it starts as a game. Imagine he came back, I laugh. Would I forgive him? What would happen? I think about what would be said. Don't speak until after I tell you that I love you. I love everything about you. Come here so I can touch your face. I open the window. It's nothing. A gesture. A chipmunk rustles leaves outside. It's nothing! It's a gesture, my God. What am I doing to myself?

Last night I had to find my school planner. Saturday night, I whimpered. I looked at the clock. Twelve oh two. Not even Saturday night - Sunday morning! It's Sunday morning! The CD is just there on the floor, celebrating all this time and five minutes ago and how much it meant to both of us. How many weeks has it been? And I needed to find my planner.

I knew where it was, so I aimlessly shifted things around in other places. After I'd found it I still felt I had to search for it. Instead I counted weeks, still with that feeling of being sucked to conclusions against my will.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.
Five.
Six. Seven.
Eight. Nine. Ten eleventwelve.

Twelve.
And sometimes when you're on,
You're really fuckin' on.
And your friends, they sing along,
And they love you.
But the lows are so extreme,
That the good seems fuckin' cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.

- Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter"

4 Comments:

Anonymous Sophie said...

EWWWWWWW

Ew
EW
EWW

Oh Anna, there's a reason for the Ex

June 25, 2006 10:57 PM  
Anonymous Spencer said...

Hey, don't get to North so early. Missed you.

June 27, 2006 10:15 AM  
Anonymous Alison said...

Sigh. I have nothing more.

June 27, 2006 8:12 PM  
Anonymous Baby Cheeks said...

hahah, bad revues for the pirate with the guitar. Speaking of which, i got a banjo, you should come hear me play it some time. Anytime you're downtown naperville i'd like it if you came to the pavillion. Because i'm probably there.... like, even right now, i'm probably there. And if seeing the most beautiful person in the world play guitar, banjo, and a friend's mandolin, all in the span of a couple of minutees isn't enough.... i can play casimir pulaski day perfect on all of them

give a call sometime, things kinda suck

June 29, 2006 6:57 AM  

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