Ever Been In Love, Hornbeck?

Yesterday morning I wanted to be productive and improve myself. Today I want to duck and cover, to lie still all day before I throw up.

That's Sam, standing, on his cellphone. He had two, and they were always ringing. For a while I remembered the sound and cringed when other people's phones made the same noise. Not even I remember how wide-eyed lonely I was over him. I sent that postcard weeks and weeks ago and he hasn't written back.

I found my eighth-grade binder with the quote from Inherit The Wind written in washable maker - "Only with the sound of my own voice, thank God." I wanted to aspire to that, the proud detachment. Then Sly added an arrow with, "Does not apply to Anna." I don't remember who I was in love with at the time. We should have seen the other play.

I can't stand a word out of anybody's mouth. I have no one to try and impress. Alison forgives me anything and Alex holds everything against me. They both make me superfluous and sick with jealousy.

I feel like I'm trying to chew gum. For me it's always been like reverse claustrophobia. There's something in me I can't swallow, with all the rising fear and desperation. I'm constantly turning down people offering me gum and they probably feel I'm rejecting them.

Sorrow drips into your heart though a pinhole,
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half-empty or half-full,
It slowly rises - your love is gonna drown
- Death Cab For Cutie, "Marching Bands of Manhattan"