Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Earthquake Groundling

Usually I miss all the radio shows. Everything's easy to find in cold, Saturday morning light.

I can't remember ever being as scared as the night before. You proved sick with jealousy to me, and I wish you'd been there to believe shaking with fear. I woke up in the dark and felt like I'd be sick no matter what. I woke up in the dim and spent three minutes trying to figure out what was wrong. I woke up in light and couldn't think of what possibly to do next.

In the morning, here's a fizzless glass that was soda I poured myself before the terror. In the shower, I'm already back to all the usual dilemmas. On the phone, I hear about the highest standards, but I wish I knew the opposite side of the story. All day long, what will I say to you?

When the phone rings hours later, the tension that took hours to leave me snaps back for just a moment.
It's a god-awful small affair
To the girl with the mousy hair
But her mummy is yelling "No"
And her daddy has told her to go
But her friend is nowhere to be seen
Now she walks through her sunken dream
To the seat with the clearest view
And she's hooked to the silver screen

- David Bowie, "Life On Mars?"

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Ever Been In Love, Hornbeck?

Yesterday morning I wanted to be productive and improve myself. Today I want to duck and cover, to lie still all day before I throw up.

That's Sam, standing, on his cellphone. He had two, and they were always ringing. For a while I remembered the sound and cringed when other people's phones made the same noise. Not even I remember how wide-eyed lonely I was over him. I sent that postcard weeks and weeks ago and he hasn't written back.

I found my eighth-grade binder with the quote from Inherit The Wind written in washable maker - "Only with the sound of my own voice, thank God." I wanted to aspire to that, the proud detachment. Then Sly added an arrow with, "Does not apply to Anna." I don't remember who I was in love with at the time. We should have seen the other play.

I can't stand a word out of anybody's mouth. I have no one to try and impress. Alison forgives me anything and Alex holds everything against me. They both make me superfluous and sick with jealousy.

I feel like I'm trying to chew gum. For me it's always been like reverse claustrophobia. There's something in me I can't swallow, with all the rising fear and desperation. I'm constantly turning down people offering me gum and they probably feel I'm rejecting them.
Sorrow drips into your heart though a pinhole,
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half-empty or half-full,
It slowly rises - your love is gonna drown

- Death Cab For Cutie, "Marching Bands of Manhattan"