Sunday, December 24, 2006

How Loose So Many Nations

I left the house Friday morning without the intended can of green tea, ten-dollar bill, and green sweatshirt. That day fell apart and that night I froze to death.

Tonight I rediscovered Donkey's wonderful red chocolate fudge hearts, and out of nowhere there was an hour about the early years of Bob Dylan on the radio, and I spent this evening sewing cheap vintage curtain rings and old buttons to my bag.

I understand now what Diana Vreeland was gushing about, how badly she wanted wonderful pictures blown up. Images of Warhol prints three inches square aren't enough! I wish I could show how big seeing the reflection of my reflection was.

That night I'd gone several without sleeping. I saw a lovely woman's hand snatching at the doorframe and a cricket jumping the same jump again and again and I read the introduction of an old art history book that blew me up thinking about creation and entropy.

Official divisions between time periods always make me expect something new. I can't remember it ever really working out. I'm hoping everything will change with the date regardless. This year should have taught me something, but I can't remember ever learning from a mistake. When you can't bear Band-Aids, you just avoid getting hurt.

How do you like bright scratches and shapes and scars?
This can be the bitter end
I know it won't

Well, some would say I'd made a mistake
Kept looking forward on paths sideways
It's everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand

Well, seasons always shift too late
Spent too much time now on paths sideways
It's everything that is connected and beautiful
And now I know just where I stand

Thank God it's over

- Silversun Pickups, "Kissing Families"

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Little Parts of Posts Never Published

I've known four or five Nicoles, and not a one has ever liked me. I think of the name that way - Nicold&haughty. Not only am I not a popular person, I'm simply not a popular person.

Words I've said this evening include "junction", "please", and "neologies". I'm just quietly organzing my music, reading A Streetcar Named Desire, and making little arty scraps.

One of this couple is bound in a wheelchair,
But she walks alone, he won't let her push him there

I've just never been moved to wish for equality or justice or world peace. I'm just selfish.

[Hysterical, emotional screaming:] I'm no comfort!

Today my aspiration is less worthy and more predictable. Try not to judge me too harshly for it.

I can only write about epic confusion so many times. Sensory overload tends to be a bit much after a while. Right now I'm not comprehending much of anything one hundred percent. I know I've exhaused everyone's sympathy, really, but none of that is to say it will ever work again.
Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write,
'This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know, goodbye'
Said the hero in the story,
'It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure,
But I could only make you cry with these words'

- Belle & Sebastian, "Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying"