Monday, May 28, 2007

The New ERA

I bought a little boy's skateboarding t-shirt that smelled like Alex, paid for it with a dollar bill that smelled like him too. I think that's his smell, worn paper money, fiber and grime.

I wore the shirt, to the benefit concert and to the movies, until it smelled like both of us. I sweat kind of citric, more than a girl should.

I washed it Sunday morning, thinking of the day I washed Alex's socks. They probably weren't really his, and I suppose that's only the beginning of the pathetic and the sordid. Out of the wash the shirt smelled like an empty take-out carton.

Last year I wore the same two yellow tops all the time. This fall it was the blue tank I dyed a sick grey since. I'm wearing this shirt instead of the boys' red ringer tee now. It's faded black, with a green Irish angel whose wing is a harp and trumpet a Hurley logo. I want to dress like the kind of boy I still want, slim-fit t-shirts, straight-leg jeans, stripey thermals and battered shoes.

Suburbia's no savannah. I don't think they'll be fooled.

Monday, May 21, 2007

If You Want Nothing!

I planned to relax and enjoy the excitement when I was on our way, when anything else that went wrong - traffic, getting lost, spontaneous human combustion - could no longer be our fault.

Why'd you change your mind and change back? I would always come back. My friend saw you downtown, thought you were supposed to be with me. My parents hate your guts again. Who'll ever teach me to dance?

Jerk, selfish, selectively immature, asshole, darling, I think I said all those things yesterday.

Though I'd like to be the girl for him and cross the sea and land for him,
In milky skin my tongue is sand until the iridescent band begins to play

He's my Brandy Alexander,
Always gets me into trouble
But that's another matter
Brandy Alexander

- Feist, "Brandy Alexander"

Friday, May 04, 2007

I'm Always So Far Behind

At the bottom of the backend, fifty posts down, are the things I wrote a year ago. "I Can't Act Blanche", and today I couldn't act Fantine either. I always pronounced "Tearstrip" like tears - today is the first day ever I've seen it could be about tearing apart.

We always were too much like a romance. I feel like I always knew it. Do you remember "Superficiality Hates Beautiful Things"? We traded things too beautiful, and I know you never, ever wear my earrings, never did, don't care to fake it. We had hip, heart, hair, total strangers, and "something so special that it can only be discussed late at night in quiet places" - I know we did! I can't remember, I've blocked it out so I won't cry at night, but I know we did, I know we did.

I hope you're enjoying the most one-sided ending ever. Read what you wrote yourself on "I Don't Care If You Don't", for the love of God! You're all poison. If I could I'd break into your laboratory, search until I found the antidotes you've lost. Sick to our stomachs, rolling down hills drinking soda, it's the sort of thing only I miss. What are you rolling now?

So mock the people who want to be with me. I used to draw people I didn't like as murky-colored essences, bubbling in flasks. You've got somebody beautiful trying to swim in acid. I still dress like your paper doll, still act like your marionette. Let me tell you, they've been loyal.
Are you my friend when I need one?
I need someone to be one,
Take anybody I can get
Sometimes I wanna call you,
And I feel like a pet,
And I'm lonely, but I ain't that lonely yet

- The White Stripes, "I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)"